Long Overdue Update

Hi

This is long overdue, I understand.... This is something I was worried about.... not being a regular blogger. My new years resolution is to blog more regularly.....

First, a quick update. 7 weeks in I have lost approx 30 lbs and gone from a size 24 jeans to a size 18. I have been doing a little cheating, and I am working to stop that..... but it gets difficult having just 800 calories a day when you are PMS-y or getting sick.... Excuses begone!!!

I am back on the program 100%

I haven't written possibly because, well, I had nothing interesting to say. Things were just going well...

Lately, I have been struggling. Turns out that I have an addictive personality and, well, I used to drink my feelings, and then I ate my feelings. Now that I do neither... well, damn... I have to FEEL my feelings and that feels... uncomfortable.

I don't know how to feel... in a healthy, adult way. Especially at work. I have this coworker who is just amazing. Everyone loves him, even when they hate him. lol. He is super smart, very personable... you never know if he likes you for real or not because he acts like he likes everyone. Perfect for the workplace....

A month or so ago they made him a Subject Matter Expert.... (SME) It is like a promotion, but no money. Just extra work. lol.... I got, well, jealous. Damn, how attractive. He and I work well together, but I wanted to be a SME too... I was basically acting like one, I wanted the recognition. Well, they made me a SME a couple of weeks ago. Yay, right? Don't get me wrong, I love the recognition, the trust. But, suddenly, I became super, super insecure... I will never be as good as my coworker... I don't have the same personality. I am not "lovable". I have never been popular. Yeah, certain people love me, like me, get me... but they are really special people, people I treasure beyond belief. If you are reading this you are likely one of them. The masses... not so much... So my insecurity is turning into a neurosis.... maybe because I can't eat them to soothe them, cover them up, make them go away... for at least a moment.

This insecurity is opening up all of the other ones.... Basically, that I will never be good enough. Nobody will ever "choose" me, and if they do, there must be something wrong with them. Intellectually I know that isn't true.... But...

This, along with the holiday season, and the fact that I am lonely.... makes me even more lonely.

I have friends... but none are local. Julie, now, is more local and that helps a lot...

But I can't expect the people I work with to take the place of real friends.

I can't expect to be like other people.

I have my own gifts and need to embrace them, not try to be like other people.

I know all of those things, intellectually, but I don't really feel them. And I feel like I am going crazy.

I also know that I can't eat cookies, pie, burritos, ice cream, steak, pasta.... or anything... to bury those feelings and make them easier to cope with. Even when I was not on this program, I know that that was not a good way to cope. But it worked. For a while.

Now that I have to feel... and deal... what in the hell am I supposed to do?? Somehow, over the last 42 years, I seem to have missed that lesson.

I can't drink. I can't do drugs. I can't eat. I need to learn how to deal with these feelings.

But... How???

Day 3 - A beginning

Yes, I am starting my blog on day 3. I guess I just haven't been ready. Not sure I am now. But here goes....

First, why is my blog titled 7' 4": A Journey? If you know me, you know for a fact I am not seven feet tall. Not even 6 feet tall. I am 5' 6" on a good-posture day. The significance of the title is that my BMI is a healthy BMI for someone 7' 4". I think I weigh more than Pau Gasol of the Lakers. Kind of puts a damper on my crush. lol So I hope to lose 135 pounds.

Second, why blog? Well, I started the Optifast weight loss program on Tuesday, 800 calories a day for 6 months. I anticipate a lot of changes and emotions, thoughts, epiphanies, and who knows what else. I was going to journal as a way of keeping a record and dealing with the changes, my feelings, and my thoughts. Several wonderful friends expressed interest in joining me on my journey. Rather than post for the entire Facebook world to see, a blog it is....

I have never blogged before. I can't write very well. I hope I don't disappoint you, bore you, annoy you, get too personal.... But I can't make any promises. For this to work i decided I can't censor myself. I have to be real.

So please, join me on my journey if you like. I appreciate the company and the support. And feedback. I don't know what to expect, and that, in itself, is pretty exciting.

:-)